Women's Identities once they become mothers

This is Not How I Thought It Would Be:Remodeling Motherhood to Get the Lives We Want Today by Kristin Maschka.
http://www.remodelingmotherhood.com/

A must read for all parents.

"After ten years of financial independence, Kate arrived and overnight I became completely financially dependent
on David. On the surface, nothing about our marriage had changed, but below the surface everything had
changed. Before Kate, we had been two independent, self-sufficient people choosing to be together. During that
time I knew, somewhere in the back of my head, that I could walk away and stand on my own two feet if I had to
do it. Once Kate arrived, I felt a nagging anxiety in my stomach. Walking away wasn’t an option anymore. I
couldn’t imagine putting Kate through that and I had no paycheck. I did my best to set aside my worry because I
felt guilty and embarrassed the thoughts even crossed my mind.
Then when Kate was a few months old, I read Ann Crittenden’s book The Price of Motherhood. … the book’s
chapter about what happens to mothers in a divorce shook me to the core and turned a nagging worry into fullfledged
panic. I fumbled around trying to talk to David and suggested, “Maybe, um, I don’t know, I was thinking
perhaps we could consider a post-nuptial agreement?” He hit the roof. To him, I was implying that he was going
to walk out and that I was planning for a divorce. I backed off, fast. But I was still scared, and I didn’t really know
why, or what to do about it, or how to talk about it. I hadn’t dreamed money and who made it could create this
kind of turmoil in our marriage. I hadn’t dreamed I’d ever be financially dependent on anyone. Not having my
own income and, honestly, not having the power that goes with it, made me fearful. Knowing I was fearful made
David angry. Fear and anger, not good emotions to insert into a marriage of two sleep-deprived people.
I’m not the only mother who finds that “money and who makes it” messes with a marriage. In hushed tones in a
kitchen at a party, a friend admitted that one of the reasons she kept working for pay when her son was born was
that she didn’t want to hand all the power over to her husband." – Remodeling Motherhood, Chapter 10, p 223-
224.



The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women
By Susan Douglas, Meredith Michaels

Healing Through Homebirth

Healing Through Homebirth
by Cynthia Luxford

© 1999 Midwifery Today, Inc. All rights reserved.

[Editor's note: This article first appeared in Midwifery Today Issue 50, Summer 1999.]

I met Jill in January. She knew she was pregnant, but not how far along she was. She had experienced a recent episode of bleeding that lasted for weeks. Without giving her any diagnosis of what was causing her bleeding, the physician had treated her with birth control pills and pain medication.

During our first meeting, she related her history stoically and calmly. She expressed little emotion while telling of her experience of pregnancy, induced labor and the cascade of interventions that ultimately ended in the loss of her firstborn. The cause, she had been told, was that her eight-pound, twelve-ounce baby had a "thin cord" that could not supply the oxygen he needed to withstand the stresses of labor. Her next pregnancy had been a scheduled cesarean. She had not wanted to risk making another "thin cord" or endanger her child's life by having even one contraction. This pregnancy resulted in a healthy baby boy.

Now, pregnant again, she had recalled a bumper sticker she had seen on my car before she became pregnant, retrieving the name of my service from memory. She wondered if her history would make her too high risk for a home delivery. Upon examination of her records, I determined that she was a perfect candidate for homebirth.

We held long conversations about her lost child, talking about the labor with all its interventions, the results of each intervention and how one by one they led to another and another and another. She had entered the hospital at just a little over forty weeks, feeling uncomfortable and crampy, having had a few sleepless nights. She was 80 percent effaced and two centimeters and was having slight contractions. Amniotomy was performed but accomplished nothing. Pitocin was administered and seemed to be working, but the baby didn't seem to like the contractions. Jill changed positions, which helped. Her cervix wasn't dilating much, so more Pitocin was administered. The contractions became much stronger. The baby's heartbeat kept dropping. The Pitocin drip was turned down, and the baby improved. But Jill was becoming more anxious. The only way she felt comfortable was on her hands and knees. The contractions kept coming. The cervix had dilated to about four centimeters. By late evening an epidural was administered. Some of the pain was relieved, but something still didn't feel right to Jill. Because the baby was stressing out with every contraction, someone decided he must be lying on his cord. Hospital personnel performed an amnioinfusion, putting fluid back into Jill's uterus to try to float the cord away from the baby. This didn't help. After many more hours of distress in the mother and baby, suddenly the baby's heartbeat dropped to forty and didn't return to its flat baseline. The Pitocin was withdrawn, but Jill's uterus continued to contract without stopping. She was rushed to the operating room. Asked to move to the gurney, she couldn't move her legs because of the epidural. She dragged herself onto the gurney and nearly fell. No one was helping her. Panic had set in for everyone—this baby was in danger. The records report that at the delivery of this perfect baby boy, there was a thin cord over his shoulder. He never made any respiratory efforts; his heartbeat was 70. Massive heroics were employed—his heartbeat recovered, he required intubation and full respiratory support. He began to convulse. Jill and her husband both observed this. Jill's incision was repaired. Baby was medicated for the seizures and arrangements were made to transport the baby to the University Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. He spent ten days on a respirator with no brain activity. He was removed from the machines and died in his mommy and daddy's arms surrounded by his grandmothers and loving family. The diagnosis was severe asphyxia, followed by seizure disorder, followed by brain death. Jill remembers the reason as she was told—she made a thin cord. It was all her fault. Hospital personnel had done everything they could through medical technology.

I began seeing Jill every week during the beginning of her pregnancy. At twelve weeks I began seeing her every three weeks. At twenty-eight weeks, Jill had an auto accident. She went to the emergency room of the local hospital. During her examination, the attending physician—a family practitioner who had been present at her first delivery—felt it necessary to write this note on the "instructions to patient form" at the bottom of her record: "Baby appears OK. No additional recommendations at this time. You need to be aware that your pregnancy is not a low risk pregnancy and home delivery is not without significant risk!" He did not know anything about her pregnancy, neither had he seen records of it nor asked her how she had been feeling or doing.

During Jill's thirtieth week of pregnancy she became very apprehensive and afraid. She was worried about the baby. Was it having seizures too? Part of her believed that the little one was just fine, part of her remembered a precious newborn seizing and fighting to hang on to life. Jill and I decided that it would be a great relief to her if she could have an ultrasound. The ultrasound detected a wonderfully healthy fetus. The "seizures" were probably the baby rooting and shuddering with the normal central nervous system development.

Jill's pregnancy went post-dates. During one of the prenatals at just over forty weeks she stated that she thought she should just admit herself to the hospital and have another cesarean. She was tired of being pregnant and anticipating the birth, and none of this was helped by the medical community's loud protest to her about what she was doing. The doctor's note on her chart was not easily put aside. Yet Jill was confident in my skills, in her own strength and in the knowledge that by having this baby at home she would become empowered and heal from the previous trauma in her birth experiences. I told her that she would not think much of me as her midwife if I encouraged her to have a cesarean. She laughed and said I was right.

Finally at forty-two weeks plus, Jill's long-awaited labor began. I did not check her cervix. I watched her handling the contractions and assessed their strength by feeling them with my hand. They were strong and coming every three to four minutes. She ate Doritos, drank water and had some tapioca pudding. She laughed about how different the atmosphere was at home than in the hospital. Fetoscope showed this baby to have a healthy, variable heart rate from 132 to 156.

At 5:37 p.m. her membranes ruptured—a beautiful, clear fluid. At this point her contractions became much stronger, and she became more agitated. We kept breathing with her, encouraging her and giving her love and strength. At 6:20 p.m. I checked her cervix. She was eight centimeters! She had never been eight centimeters before! She had a strong circle of women surrounding her—her mother, sister-in-law, best friend and two midwives. Her husband was in the living room with their little boy. He seemed very nervous, and I felt sure that many emotions from the birth of their first child were occupying his thoughts. We kept inviting him to be with Jill and gave him updates. We were lucky he was even in the house. He had tried to leave, but my assistant caught him and asked him to stay.

At this point in her labor, Jill was so afraid she was crying during every contraction. The baby was putting a lot of pressure on her pelvic floor, and she felt ill. She moved to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. The walk there was tearful and dramatic. We ran a hot bath for her, which helped with her level of expression for a while, but soon we were back to the screaming and crying. She kept pleading with us to take her to the hospital, she couldn't do this. All her support people agreed that unless the midwives detected a dangerous development, Jill should stay at home; they knew how much she wanted a homebirth and how long she had been talking about it and planning it. On the way from the bathroom to the bedroom Jill had a very strong contraction and dropped to her hands and knees, crying, "I can't do this." I put my arms around her shoulders and said into her ear that I knew she could do this, I had known it since the first day I met her. If I thought she couldn't do it, I would have booted her out of the practice a long time ago. We were here to help her. Her baby was fine. She was fine. She could do it and was doing it. Then I asked her if she believed me. She said, "Yes!"

Pushing began about 9:40 p.m. She was pushing very hard in McRoberts position, her legs pulled far back, then semi-reclining against her mother. Her best friend rolled up a towel and tied a knot in it and gave it to Jill to pull on while she pushed. The baby was moving down. A little over an hour later the baby began to crown. I went to get the father. While he was watching he kept pacing back and forth in little circles, visibly shaken. This was the moment of truth for all of us. First came the little head along with a hand. Slowly the shoulders came, and then the little baby was born. He coughed and cried. His mommy picked him up and comforted all eight pounds, eight ounces of him. Everyone cried, and the midwives praised God for his loving kindness.

Jill told me that every time she had a contraction the pain from the loss of her firstborn came flooding back to her. The contractions didn't hurt so much; it was her heart that hurt. Now that she had this experience, she said she could do anything. She is more confident and at peace. She is triumphant about her birth and knows that the only significant risk would have been to birth in the hospital again and not experience the healing that this homebirth gave her. She wants her story told so other women who have had similar experiences can feel the wholeness that she now feels. She wants to have another baby, "and this time," she says, "I won't scream." After Alex was born we were informed that the police had come to the apartment in response to a call from a neighbor. We laughed and said she would be the first mom in our practice whose birth announcement would be printed in the police log of the local newspaper.

Cynthia Luxford, LDM, CPM, lives in Otis, Oregon, with her husband and two teenage daughters. She has been practicing on the central Oregon coast for ten years.

If you enjoyed this article, you'll enjoy Midwifery Today magazine! Subscribe now!

Global Pics

Hilarious article about Parenting

I 1st read this article before I had kids, and just didn't find it very funny. I read it again recently and laughed till I cried. I'm sure all you parents out there will know what I mean...

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 Preparation


Women : To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-
1. go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. go to the supermarket. Arrange to have y our salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 Knowledge
1. Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
2. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 Going For a Walk

1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?


Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

Question about water birth and other pain coping methods

Question
Does a water birth really reduce the pain?
Natural birth seems like the right option for me. What are some ways to reduce the pain?

Also, when I get my period I have the most horrendous cramps in the world. Would that mean that labour would be pretty bad?


Answer
There are really so many ways to reduce pain in labor. What works for some women may not work for others. Every woman has a different background of experiences, and every labor experience is different. It would be helpful for you to talk with someone experienced about all your preferences, current coping strategies, fears, knowledge base etc.

Having a doula (professional labor support) to discuss things with before labor and to be with you in labor is very helpful. Several studies have shown that doulas reduce the need for epidurals, cesareans, and other interventions.

Another important factor is the doctor or midwife that you choose. Find out how they practice. If you have a doctor who practices with a high rate of interventions - cesareans, epidurals, inductions, etc, you may as well give up your hope for a natural birth.
Medical interventions are necessary and helpful in certain situations, but many practitioners overuse them.
If you choose a caregiver or a hospital that routinely restricts women to lying in bed, using continuous fetal monitoring, or inductions for no medical reason other than being past 40 weeks, then labor is going to be extremely painful. Lying back is the most painful position in labor, and induced labors are way more painful than natural labors.

Also, fear and the adrenalin that it produces increases the sensation of pain greatly. Feeling safe, cared for and supported helps women relax. Having caregivers they trust, and trusting that their bodies know how to give birth. Going within themselves and listening to their bodies is really helful for natural birth. When women in labor feel safe, they produce endorphin hormones. If you've ever run a marathon or something, you'll know that initially your muscles will hurt, but after a while the endorphins kick in and you start to feel euphoric. You don't notice the pain so much, you just feel great.
In labor that can happen too, and the baby gets all the moms hormones, so it feels it too.

Have you noticed how some women say the pain of labor was the worst experience of their lives, while some women say labor was the best experience of their lives.
This difference is due to the different hormones.
Fear, anxiety = adrenalin = slowing down labor and severe pain.
Safety, trust, support, love = oxytocin and endorphins = less pain and feeling great.

Once you've got the basics, you can try out some things women have found useful for dealing with the intensity of labor - moving, changing positions, upright positions, resting in side lying positions or kneeling forward over a chair or exercise ball or their partner, hot packs, ice packs, showers, warm baths, massage, counter pressure on the back and hips, moaning, swaying, making deep sounds, kissing, breathing, visualization, swearing :> , squeezing their partners hand till it turns blue :> ...

Attitude is important too -
The tendency is that when a contraction is starting, to tense up and
resist and think, "oh no, another one. shit!"
But tensing up makes the sensation of pain greater.
It's useful to think, "oh good, another one. That's one more contraction closer to having my baby in my arms. My body is doing great work." Then after the contraction take a deep breath and release all the tension in your body.

A lot of women have found laboring in warm water extremely useful in helping them relax into their bodies and re-energise when tired. The buoyancy helps them change positions easily too. It can help make it easier to move through labor in the water. On the other hand, if has a lot of anxiety, fear, or other issues, getting into water won't make a difference in and of itself. I hope that makes sense :>

As for your period cramps, I don't think that means a more painful labor. I think it means you've developed a bunch of coping strategies that can help you in labor.

Let me know if you have any more questions,

Kaurina JeerisRajan
Childbirth Central
childbirthcentral@gmail.com

Reply:


I greatly appreciate your response. I feel so much more relaxed after I had read your post and most of the information in regards to stress/pain relief I could relate to. Like taking a shower greatly relieves stress and pain for me.

There was not a thing that you had said that I didn't find useful.

Thank you again!

Question about tearing in labor

Question
I have a 10 month old and I'm 8 months pregnant but I'm scared of giving birth again.?
I know I have been through it before but I'm scared to go back through it again. The 1st birth I suffered a 3rd degree tear and lost quite a bit of blood. I'm not really sure why I'm scared to be honest I think it because with it be quite close to my 1st one. Has any one been in the same situtation or some advice would be great, thanx x

Answer:

I'm sorry you had such a traumatizing experience the last time around.
It's understandable that you feel scared now.

I'm a doula (labor supporter) and natural birth educator, and I've had clients who have been terrified for their second birth because of the way their first birth was managed or the way they were treated. I've helped them to be more proactive in the decision making process for their next birth so that they could have a positive experience the second time.

Some questions I would ask you are,
1. What was the worst / most scary parts of your last birth?
2. What are you worried will happen this time?
3. Did you feel supported enough and treated well during the last birth?
4. What would you want to do differently if you could do it over?
5. How could you have done things differently to create an outcome more like what you want?
6. What steps can you take now for this birth?

I can imagine having such a serious tear must have made healing painful and long and interfered with your ability to look after your baby.
Do you know what caused the third degree tear?
Tears do happen sometimes no matter how gentle the birth is, but third and fourth degree tears tend to occur because of some added stress to the perineum.
For example, when women are told to push extremely hard, or have an epidural which can make them unable to feel the urge to push, and so end up pushing really hard but not as effectively. Or an episiotomy could cause the tear to extend into a 3rd degree. Also, forceps or vacuum can also cause severe tears.

These may be avoidable, especially if you know that you have choices.

Are you with the same caregiver now as the last time? How do you feel about your caregiver? Have you discussed your feelings with them and what you can do differently? Do you feel that they are respectful of your needs ?

Have you considered hiring a doula in your area to give you more information, and provide physical and emotional support?

There is a lot to consider and work through. If you do want to discuss more, you can email me.
childbirthcentral@gmail.com

Inspirational Birth Stories

A lot of first time mothers ask me, "What does labor feel like? Where can I find real birth stories?"

Well, here's one great compilation of stories by Sheri L. Menelli :
Journey Into Motherhood - Inspirational Stories of Natural Childbirth.

Sheri Menelli was a childbirth educator. She decided to invite moms who had recently had their babies to classes to describe their positive birth stories. Of course all the expectant moms found that very inspirational, but what she was surprised by was that those groups of clients had much lower rates of interventions than groups of clients who had not heard positive stories by other moms.

This was so striking that she decided to compile some inspirational stories so that moms everywhere can learn from each other's wisdom.

The book is filled with real life experiences that will touch your heart and makes a great gift for pregnant moms anywhere. Here's a quote from the book I like,

"My first sight of my son will never leave my memory. As I
write this, tears are welling up in my eyes. Only at that moment did
I really unconditionally love. I had never known the feeling in my
life. His beauty radiated within my husband’s heart and mine. His
first cry was like a psalm, and his scent was just as heavenly. He settled
quickly to my voice and looked at me with the most loving
stare, and then closed his eyes and rested peacefully. I would labor
and birth a million times over just to see my son for the first time
again. It was incredible! I have entered into a part of my life that
only the hearts of other mothers know, and it is unexplainable."

The book is available in hardcopy at
and now a free e-book is available. Here's a note from Sheri :

"Yes, it is true, I have a very special treat for you. I"m giving away the electronic copy of Journey into Motherhood: Inspirational Stories of Natural Birth.

I have planned to do this for years and so here it is.

I have had so many people ask me why I would give this book away. I have 2 reasons:
1. My dream was to make this book as popular as "What to Expect When You're Expecting" which isn't one of my favorite books as I see it usually get moms into a panic. So really, this is a different kind of What to Expect When You're Birthing because it is 47 real women telling their births stories (48 total stories).

2. I believe the stories in this book are so amazing that anyone reading it would want a physical copy to give to their friends and family who are expecting. I can say that they stories are amazing and not be bragging because I did not write the stories. I only chose them and had my editor clean them up with grammar and punctuation. They changed my birth (I gave birth a few months after the book was finally published). The stories left me empowered. I had the most unexpected of circumstances a very rare set of twins and extremely high risk (Ironic isn't it?) but I had an amazing birth because I felt empowered and I decided to take charge. I know I wouldn't have had that courage if I hadn't been able to draw from the experiences of the women in the book.

I have hundreds of books at my husband's office - I decided to cancel my distributor's contracts. So, if you are moved and would like 1, 5, 10 or even a case. Please feel free to contact me at 760-930-0913. They are only $5 each plus shipping.

They have been popular with several midwives, childbirth educators and doulas who give them out to their clients because they have seen the difference it makes at the birth. Thank you Gerri Ryan, Colleen Salazar, Kara Spencer, Dawn Thompson, Carol Yeh-Garner, Vivian Giles, Jenny West, Sheridan Ripley and Kerry Tuschhoff. (If I forgot you, let me know).

Please feel free to download this book of Journey into Motherhood and pass it on to other birth workers and expectant women.


Love and Light,

Sheri Menelli
Author of Journey into Motherhod
Director of The Birthing Business Institute
www.birthingbusiness.com
760-930-0913

PS - Feel free to post this link on your website or favorite newsgroups, etc. I really do want to get it out to as many people as possible to read the stories.

PSS - If you are on Facebook, please link to me. You can find me by searching for Sheri Menelli. You can also put in the book title and become a fan of the book. "

Hope you Enjoy the book!!!

More information about cesareans - avoiding it, or waiting till labor starts on it's own, and recovering faster

Here's a website that summarizes a few main points about cesarean recovery, as well as trying to avoid an unecessary cesarean, or waiting till labor starts to do the cesarean. Many cesareans are scheduled at 38 weeks gestation.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Childbirth-3495/c-section-recovery.htm

The assumption is that the baby will be fully developed by then, and the doctor won't likely be caught off guard by having to do an operation for a woman who goes into labor before the scheduled time. Evidence shows that not all babies are fully developed by 38 weeks, and that waiting for labor to start before doing the cesarean lowers the risks of the operation to the baby. Even sheduling at 39 weeks has benefits over 38 weeks.

There are many ways parents can get involved in decision making even for high-risk births. Decide what's important to you and your family and discuss that with your caregivers.

Here's the excerpt from the website :

"Expert: Elayne Glantzberg - 12/21/2007

Question
Hi Elayne,
I will be having a c-section in June when I deliver my first child. I wanted to know if you had any recovery information and tips to make this post op easier? Thanks for any help you may offer!

AnswerMy first tip would be to do everything you can to avoid this primary c-section, including getting several second opinions. It is vanishingly rare for a woman to have a complication requiring cesarean delivery that would be detected this early in pregnancy. Even a complete placenta previa can often self-resolve by term.

My second tip would be to wait until you go into labor before having the c-section, if at all possible. Babies born by scheduled c-section, without labor, are 2-4 times more likely to support from respiratory problems requiring a stay in the NICU, and are 3 times more likely to die in the first month.

Going into the surgery, discuss with your doctor the possibility of a more gentle cesarean, one in which the uterus is not completely removed from the body. Sometimes some of the dissection of your internal organs can also be avoided or minimized, particularly if you are not undergoing an emergency c-section. This will help minimize your pain and your risk of internal adhesions later on.

After the surgery, do not be afraid to take your pain medication. Even if you are breastfeeding, your milk will not come in for at least 2 days, and possibly longer due to the shock of the surgery to your body. During this time, your baby will not get any significant drug amounts through your milk. You need to get out of bed and moving around as soon as possible, to speed up healing and prevent blood clots from forming.

Try to get back to eating and drinking normally as soon as possible. Your body needs the nutrition in order to heal itself. Most doctors prefer to wait until you pass gas before allowing you to eat again, since this indicates that your bowels have "woken up" from the shock of the surgery; however, for some women this can take up to 36 hours, and going that long without food is very bad for anybody recovering from surgery, let alone a new mother. Lobby for at least a liquid or soft diet to begin within hours of surgery.

Some kind of support on your incision will help you stay comfortable and mobile as your heal. Remember that this operation will involve slicing through your abdominal muscles, making everything from sitting up to rolling over to sitting down a nightmare. Some women wear a special post-operative belly binder in the hospital and after they return home, and you can discuss this possibility with your doctor. Another option is the new C-Panty, which provides a built-in silicone compression panel to support your incision and help speed healing.

However things go for you, good luck! "

Making cesareans gentler and more mom and baby-friendly

Here's some useful new information for women who will be having cesareans :


From http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2005/dec/03/health.medicineandhealth

" Obstetrician, Professor Nick Fisk has pioneered this groundbreaking approach to surgical delivery called "skin-to-skin caesarean", or "walking the baby out" partly in response to the rising caesarean rate. "And while couples having normal deliveries have been given more and more opportunities to be fully involved in childbirth, very little has been done to see how we could make the experience more meaningful for those having caesareans."

As Fisk started to examine the conventions of surgical delivery, he was struck by how easily they could be challenged. Why, for example, did they need to be done so quickly, when slowing them down would give the parents more chance to participate in their child's delivery and might give the baby a gentler experience of coming into the world? Why, too, was it so important for the parents to be screened off from the mother's abdomen? And was it really essential for the baby to be whisked off for an immediate medical examination, rather than delivered into the arms of his mother?

"What I realised was that caesareans were done a certain way because they've always been done a certain way, but in fact they can be done differently - and in a way that parents love," says Fisk. Other doctors are sometimes shocked when they hear what he is doing. "They say, but surely you have to get the baby out fast so she can get oxygen straight away? And I say, when the baby is being born she's still attached to the umbilical cord and is still getting oxygen from the placenta. Caesarean birth can be gentle, just as vaginal birth can be gentle.

"Obstetricians are too hung up on getting from the point of incision to the birth of the baby as quickly as possible: that's been the benchmark of a skilled surgeon. But I'm challenging that because, from the baby's and from the parents' point of view, it's not very helpful.

" I've never known a baby born by my method to have problems - going straight onto the mother's chest helps regulate breathing."

Smith, who works closely with Fisk, says it's a hit with parents. "They feel more involved, which gives them a better start to family life. Breastfeeding is easier to establish, and you can see how much calmer the baby is."

Project In Uganda

WOW! I found this great project being done in Uganda by Canadians to provide birth kits, birth support, sustainable income generation, etc to women and girls there.

Question about managing small children and staying sane

Q.: For those of you who ARE or WERE stay at home moms?
I myself am a stay at home mom and I am having some trouble with my little ones. I have twins who are 2 1/2 and a 15 month old as well.
I have never dealt or been around children before having my own. Lately they have been so difficult, and so stressing (mainly the youngest) I feel I don't have enough time to teach them the things they need to know. We don't leave the house often, because its a huge chore. I know they need more socialization, more teaching, more playtime. Everything. I feel like I try soo hard and not alot comes out of it by the end of the day. I am stressed beyond belief trying to keep the house clean, look nice by the time my man comes home and make sure all of the kids needs are met.

My husband is getting in trouble at work because I keep calling him home, and he can't lose his job. I feel guilty that I can't do this alone. I feel like it's time to go back to school and then get a job, but honestly I'm scared. I feel extremely guilty right now, feeling like everything is my fault.

Can anyone give me some advice from the heart. I am very confused, and I just want to do right by my children. Please help.

Answer:

Omigod!
Most mums with one toddler can TOTALLY relate!!! But what I find surprising is that you have THREE toddlers, and you're still wondering why you can't get everything done and you're so stressed out! :>

There's a reason why they say it takes a village to raise a child.
You do need more social support.
Please don't feel guilty. No one in your situation can do it all. It's pretty much impossible.

Don't worry about their socialization, or play or education at this point. No. 1 -they're really young. All that stuff will sort itself out over time. and no. 2 - focus on the basics first.

There is so much social pressure to do so much for kids these days, but less real help in actually doing them.
People who manage well with their kids generally have family or a close community who share in taking care of the kids. Parents, parents-in-law, sisters, aunts, friends, other mums etc.

People who live far away from their families, and don't have close friends nearby, do have to find other resources in order to stay sane.
Connect with other mums, mum's groups, organisations that provide support to parents, get a babysitter etc etc. Let everyone know that you need some help with childcare or housekeeping while your kids are so young.

I cannot stress this enough - the most important person to take care of is YOU. A sane and supported mum will automatically be able to take care of her family well.
It is a myth that a mum and a dad can sufficiently be perfect parents to their kids, especially times 3 little kids. People are so quick to blame parents, and so slow to help.

But you do need to ASK for help, and expect it. Don't feel guilty for receiving it, because you really do need it right now, and when you're kids are older, you will be able to help other mums with young kids.

This period of time when they are so little and their needs are so great is really intense. Things will get easier as they get older, I promise you.
it will be easier a year from now, even more easy 2 years from now and so on.
Wait till then till you start trying to add more activities into their lives.

For now, you can set very low expectations. If your kids are fed and you are fed and have slept enough, and you haven't gone totally berserk all day (a little bit berserk is ok), then you can consider that a successful day.
If you manage to do a little tidying up, or take the kids out or whatever, then that's a bonus! Give yourself a big treat for managing that.

There was a time when my kids were young and I thought I had to be doing all sorts of amazing things with them, and be a happy mum who never lost her temper, and have a beautifully kept house, and cook delicious yet healthy meals....
Meanwhile, I didn't have time to even breathe, I was grumpy and guilty and wound up all the time, fighting with my husband etc etc.
I thought it was just I who was incompetent.

Eventually, I found out that most mums felt the same way, especially those without social a social network where they lived.

Now, my priorities are
1. Do several things throughout the day to feel relaxed and content. eg. Get enough sleep. Sit for a few minutes without the kids and have a drink or something. Tell your kids you are having some "mummy alone time". They'll eventually get used to it. Destress in the bath. Set aside some telephone or email time for yourself to talk to your friends and complain. :> Join a gym that has childcare. Get some adult time.

2. Spending time with your husband minus the kids is important.
Try to get a babysitter (or two), leave the mess in the house and go have some fun. Aim to do that once a week. More realistically, if you manage once a month, that's great! Appreciate yourselves and each other for the amazing job you are doing of raising 3 human beings.

3. Find a system of discipline that works for you and your kids. Well-behaved kids are easier to look after. You do not need to entertain your kids. The good thing about having three is that they will entertain themselves if left to their own devices. Especially as they get older.

4. As for the house, focus on the most important things and ignore everything else for the next couple of years. The kitchen is pretty important. Having clean laundry too.
Get big storage bins and throw everything in to get it out of sight - bins for unfolded laundry , toys, the mess in your living room when people are coming over etc etc.
Declutter and throw away or give away what you don't need or use.
Have a talk with your husband. Tell him how you feel about the housework. Let him know that you appreciate anything he does to help. If you can afford it, consider getting housecleaning services. Discuss lowering your standards of tidiness for the next one to two years.

Above all, whatever you do with your kids, it needs to work for you.
You and your husband need to be the centre of your family not your kids. Because if you're stressed out you can't take care of your kids as well as when you feel centred and in control.

Birth Quotes

Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers ~ strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength. Barbara Katz Rothman


The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." Rajneesh

The genius of her body is designed to give birth with ease and grace. In our soft warm hands, we are holding the keys to the future. Elena Tonetti- Vladimirova

It seems that many health professionals involved in antenatal care have not realized that one of their role should be to protect the emotional state of pregnant women. Michel Odent, MD

We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful. It's that women are strong. Laura Stavoe Harm

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

Before you were conceived, I wanted you
Before you were born, I loved you
Before you were here an hour,
I would die for you
This is the miracle of love. Maureen Hawkins

Childbirth classes neglect to teach one critical skill: How to breathe, count, and swear all at the same time. Linda Filterman

Before I was married I had six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories. John Wilmot, earl of Rochester

They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth. They can...if you hit them in the goolies with a cricketbat for fourteen hours. Jo Brand

Question about breastfeeding

Q. What is the normal duration for a woman to have breast milk?
How long does the milk usually last? How many months is the average/normal duration?


A. The milk will last until the child stops breastfeeding. The baby's sucking is what stimulates the mum to produce more breastmilk. The more baby breastfeeds, the more milk mum produces, for as long as the child goes on breastfeeding. There is no normal time for breastfeeding. Some mums don't breastfeed at all, some breastfeed a few weeks, a few months, or a few years. In some countries, mums breastfeed for many years. Children do need milk for the first few years of their lives, whether that is cow's milk, soy milk, or human milk. Breastfeeding past one year is usually not practised in today's culture, but it is possible and probably beneficial.

Question about the end of pregnancy

Q. I'm almost 38 weeks and not dilating?

I will be 38 weeks on Saturday and I am STILL not dilating. My doctor's appointment was yesterday; he checked me and said my son is still pretty high up there. I haven't dropped at all but I feel terrible. My whole pelvic region feels so heavy (almost like someone hit me) and it aches badly. I'm scared I will be overdue again (was 10 overdue with my daughter) and my need a C-Section in the end. With my daughter I was overdue but at least (around this time) a cm or 2cm dilated.

Has anyone gone through this with a subsequent pregnancy? In my mind I thought, this one would go a lot quicker but I'm losing hope and my fear seems like it may become a reality. I had an all natural birth with my daughter and I wanted to experience it again with my son. I'm scared I will have to go through getting pitocin and so forth. Any suggestions, words of encouragement, anything?

To add I have been having BH's constantly that have been getting pretty painful, but still nothing!
I just am getting frustrated because I am very uncomfortable, even more so than my other pregnancy.


Answer :

It's normal to feel anxious towards the end or pregnancy. Try to do relaxing things to help yourself feel grounded - go for a nice walk, have a warm bath, sip some herbal tea, talk to your baby, breathe.

Not being dilated or having dropped is totally meaningless bits of information. You're 38 weeks. You're not in labour yet, you don't need to be dilated. Your baby doesn't need to have dropped. It will drop when it's ready, and your body will open when it's ready.

As for being overdue, actually the normal range of birth is from 3 weeks before the due date to 2 weeks after. So if baby wasn't born by 2 weeks after the date, you would be overdue. Women and doctors today are so overly focused on times and dates, they expect babies to be born by that due date. Also, the due dates are estimated based on the average woman's cycle of 28 days. If your cycle is longer than that, you're date of ovulation would be later, and your due date should be later. Some doctors take that into account, some don't.

There are many ways of getting labour started naturally once labour is already imminent (meaning that it would start on it's own anyway in the next few days). One of the best ways is sex.
Oxytocin is the hormone involved in love, sex, labour and breastfeeding. So kissing, making out, nipple stimulation, sex and orgasm can make your body produce oxytocin which can start labour.
Prostaglandin, which is is semen is the hormone which softens the cervix. So that can help start labour too. Don't have intercourse after the water breaks though.

There are lots of other natural ways to start labour.
You can find them just by doing a Google search.

Have fun and do find things to help you relax. Feeling anxious can actually stop labour.
If you have any further questions, you can email me.

Asker's Comment: Thanks! I'm just going to be patient and wait it out.

Question about breast milk production

Q. My breast milk is getting low, and i just gave birth 3 mos ago ?
what can I do to make more.


A. How do you know you're milk is getting low? do you mean you're baby seems hungry after feeding, or you're pumping and getting less milk than before?

Breast milk production is stimulated by baby's sucking. that means that the more baby drinks, the more milk you will produce. it has nothing to do with how long ago you gave birth.
if baby is not latching and sucking effectively, or is being supplemented, your milk production will decrease. if you are only pumping, that is not as effective as a real baby sucking.
Many women pump to see how much milk they are making, and are surprised if they see so little. but you must understand, the baby is able to get tons more milk out than a pump.

so the short answer of how to get more milk, is simply to breastfeed your baby more.


Comment: Thank you. I really appreciate your help!