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Hilarious article about Parenting

I 1st read this article before I had kids, and just didn't find it very funny. I read it again recently and laughed till I cried. I'm sure all you parents out there will know what I mean...

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 Preparation


Women : To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-
1. go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. go to the supermarket. Arrange to have y our salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 Knowledge
1. Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
2. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 Going For a Walk

1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?


Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

Question about water birth and other pain coping methods

Question
Does a water birth really reduce the pain?
Natural birth seems like the right option for me. What are some ways to reduce the pain?

Also, when I get my period I have the most horrendous cramps in the world. Would that mean that labour would be pretty bad?


Answer
There are really so many ways to reduce pain in labor. What works for some women may not work for others. Every woman has a different background of experiences, and every labor experience is different. It would be helpful for you to talk with someone experienced about all your preferences, current coping strategies, fears, knowledge base etc.

Having a doula (professional labor support) to discuss things with before labor and to be with you in labor is very helpful. Several studies have shown that doulas reduce the need for epidurals, cesareans, and other interventions.

Another important factor is the doctor or midwife that you choose. Find out how they practice. If you have a doctor who practices with a high rate of interventions - cesareans, epidurals, inductions, etc, you may as well give up your hope for a natural birth.
Medical interventions are necessary and helpful in certain situations, but many practitioners overuse them.
If you choose a caregiver or a hospital that routinely restricts women to lying in bed, using continuous fetal monitoring, or inductions for no medical reason other than being past 40 weeks, then labor is going to be extremely painful. Lying back is the most painful position in labor, and induced labors are way more painful than natural labors.

Also, fear and the adrenalin that it produces increases the sensation of pain greatly. Feeling safe, cared for and supported helps women relax. Having caregivers they trust, and trusting that their bodies know how to give birth. Going within themselves and listening to their bodies is really helful for natural birth. When women in labor feel safe, they produce endorphin hormones. If you've ever run a marathon or something, you'll know that initially your muscles will hurt, but after a while the endorphins kick in and you start to feel euphoric. You don't notice the pain so much, you just feel great.
In labor that can happen too, and the baby gets all the moms hormones, so it feels it too.

Have you noticed how some women say the pain of labor was the worst experience of their lives, while some women say labor was the best experience of their lives.
This difference is due to the different hormones.
Fear, anxiety = adrenalin = slowing down labor and severe pain.
Safety, trust, support, love = oxytocin and endorphins = less pain and feeling great.

Once you've got the basics, you can try out some things women have found useful for dealing with the intensity of labor - moving, changing positions, upright positions, resting in side lying positions or kneeling forward over a chair or exercise ball or their partner, hot packs, ice packs, showers, warm baths, massage, counter pressure on the back and hips, moaning, swaying, making deep sounds, kissing, breathing, visualization, swearing :> , squeezing their partners hand till it turns blue :> ...

Attitude is important too -
The tendency is that when a contraction is starting, to tense up and
resist and think, "oh no, another one. shit!"
But tensing up makes the sensation of pain greater.
It's useful to think, "oh good, another one. That's one more contraction closer to having my baby in my arms. My body is doing great work." Then after the contraction take a deep breath and release all the tension in your body.

A lot of women have found laboring in warm water extremely useful in helping them relax into their bodies and re-energise when tired. The buoyancy helps them change positions easily too. It can help make it easier to move through labor in the water. On the other hand, if has a lot of anxiety, fear, or other issues, getting into water won't make a difference in and of itself. I hope that makes sense :>

As for your period cramps, I don't think that means a more painful labor. I think it means you've developed a bunch of coping strategies that can help you in labor.

Let me know if you have any more questions,

Kaurina JeerisRajan
Childbirth Central
childbirthcentral@gmail.com

Reply:


I greatly appreciate your response. I feel so much more relaxed after I had read your post and most of the information in regards to stress/pain relief I could relate to. Like taking a shower greatly relieves stress and pain for me.

There was not a thing that you had said that I didn't find useful.

Thank you again!

Question about tearing in labor

Question
I have a 10 month old and I'm 8 months pregnant but I'm scared of giving birth again.?
I know I have been through it before but I'm scared to go back through it again. The 1st birth I suffered a 3rd degree tear and lost quite a bit of blood. I'm not really sure why I'm scared to be honest I think it because with it be quite close to my 1st one. Has any one been in the same situtation or some advice would be great, thanx x

Answer:

I'm sorry you had such a traumatizing experience the last time around.
It's understandable that you feel scared now.

I'm a doula (labor supporter) and natural birth educator, and I've had clients who have been terrified for their second birth because of the way their first birth was managed or the way they were treated. I've helped them to be more proactive in the decision making process for their next birth so that they could have a positive experience the second time.

Some questions I would ask you are,
1. What was the worst / most scary parts of your last birth?
2. What are you worried will happen this time?
3. Did you feel supported enough and treated well during the last birth?
4. What would you want to do differently if you could do it over?
5. How could you have done things differently to create an outcome more like what you want?
6. What steps can you take now for this birth?

I can imagine having such a serious tear must have made healing painful and long and interfered with your ability to look after your baby.
Do you know what caused the third degree tear?
Tears do happen sometimes no matter how gentle the birth is, but third and fourth degree tears tend to occur because of some added stress to the perineum.
For example, when women are told to push extremely hard, or have an epidural which can make them unable to feel the urge to push, and so end up pushing really hard but not as effectively. Or an episiotomy could cause the tear to extend into a 3rd degree. Also, forceps or vacuum can also cause severe tears.

These may be avoidable, especially if you know that you have choices.

Are you with the same caregiver now as the last time? How do you feel about your caregiver? Have you discussed your feelings with them and what you can do differently? Do you feel that they are respectful of your needs ?

Have you considered hiring a doula in your area to give you more information, and provide physical and emotional support?

There is a lot to consider and work through. If you do want to discuss more, you can email me.
childbirthcentral@gmail.com