Global Pics

Hilarious article about Parenting

I 1st read this article before I had kids, and just didn't find it very funny. I read it again recently and laughed till I cried. I'm sure all you parents out there will know what I mean...

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 Preparation


Women : To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-
1. go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. go to the supermarket. Arrange to have y our salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 Knowledge
1. Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
2. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 Going For a Walk

1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?


Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

Question about water birth and other pain coping methods

Question
Does a water birth really reduce the pain?
Natural birth seems like the right option for me. What are some ways to reduce the pain?

Also, when I get my period I have the most horrendous cramps in the world. Would that mean that labour would be pretty bad?


Answer
There are really so many ways to reduce pain in labor. What works for some women may not work for others. Every woman has a different background of experiences, and every labor experience is different. It would be helpful for you to talk with someone experienced about all your preferences, current coping strategies, fears, knowledge base etc.

Having a doula (professional labor support) to discuss things with before labor and to be with you in labor is very helpful. Several studies have shown that doulas reduce the need for epidurals, cesareans, and other interventions.

Another important factor is the doctor or midwife that you choose. Find out how they practice. If you have a doctor who practices with a high rate of interventions - cesareans, epidurals, inductions, etc, you may as well give up your hope for a natural birth.
Medical interventions are necessary and helpful in certain situations, but many practitioners overuse them.
If you choose a caregiver or a hospital that routinely restricts women to lying in bed, using continuous fetal monitoring, or inductions for no medical reason other than being past 40 weeks, then labor is going to be extremely painful. Lying back is the most painful position in labor, and induced labors are way more painful than natural labors.

Also, fear and the adrenalin that it produces increases the sensation of pain greatly. Feeling safe, cared for and supported helps women relax. Having caregivers they trust, and trusting that their bodies know how to give birth. Going within themselves and listening to their bodies is really helful for natural birth. When women in labor feel safe, they produce endorphin hormones. If you've ever run a marathon or something, you'll know that initially your muscles will hurt, but after a while the endorphins kick in and you start to feel euphoric. You don't notice the pain so much, you just feel great.
In labor that can happen too, and the baby gets all the moms hormones, so it feels it too.

Have you noticed how some women say the pain of labor was the worst experience of their lives, while some women say labor was the best experience of their lives.
This difference is due to the different hormones.
Fear, anxiety = adrenalin = slowing down labor and severe pain.
Safety, trust, support, love = oxytocin and endorphins = less pain and feeling great.

Once you've got the basics, you can try out some things women have found useful for dealing with the intensity of labor - moving, changing positions, upright positions, resting in side lying positions or kneeling forward over a chair or exercise ball or their partner, hot packs, ice packs, showers, warm baths, massage, counter pressure on the back and hips, moaning, swaying, making deep sounds, kissing, breathing, visualization, swearing :> , squeezing their partners hand till it turns blue :> ...

Attitude is important too -
The tendency is that when a contraction is starting, to tense up and
resist and think, "oh no, another one. shit!"
But tensing up makes the sensation of pain greater.
It's useful to think, "oh good, another one. That's one more contraction closer to having my baby in my arms. My body is doing great work." Then after the contraction take a deep breath and release all the tension in your body.

A lot of women have found laboring in warm water extremely useful in helping them relax into their bodies and re-energise when tired. The buoyancy helps them change positions easily too. It can help make it easier to move through labor in the water. On the other hand, if has a lot of anxiety, fear, or other issues, getting into water won't make a difference in and of itself. I hope that makes sense :>

As for your period cramps, I don't think that means a more painful labor. I think it means you've developed a bunch of coping strategies that can help you in labor.

Let me know if you have any more questions,

Kaurina JeerisRajan
Childbirth Central
childbirthcentral@gmail.com

Reply:


I greatly appreciate your response. I feel so much more relaxed after I had read your post and most of the information in regards to stress/pain relief I could relate to. Like taking a shower greatly relieves stress and pain for me.

There was not a thing that you had said that I didn't find useful.

Thank you again!

Question about tearing in labor

Question
I have a 10 month old and I'm 8 months pregnant but I'm scared of giving birth again.?
I know I have been through it before but I'm scared to go back through it again. The 1st birth I suffered a 3rd degree tear and lost quite a bit of blood. I'm not really sure why I'm scared to be honest I think it because with it be quite close to my 1st one. Has any one been in the same situtation or some advice would be great, thanx x

Answer:

I'm sorry you had such a traumatizing experience the last time around.
It's understandable that you feel scared now.

I'm a doula (labor supporter) and natural birth educator, and I've had clients who have been terrified for their second birth because of the way their first birth was managed or the way they were treated. I've helped them to be more proactive in the decision making process for their next birth so that they could have a positive experience the second time.

Some questions I would ask you are,
1. What was the worst / most scary parts of your last birth?
2. What are you worried will happen this time?
3. Did you feel supported enough and treated well during the last birth?
4. What would you want to do differently if you could do it over?
5. How could you have done things differently to create an outcome more like what you want?
6. What steps can you take now for this birth?

I can imagine having such a serious tear must have made healing painful and long and interfered with your ability to look after your baby.
Do you know what caused the third degree tear?
Tears do happen sometimes no matter how gentle the birth is, but third and fourth degree tears tend to occur because of some added stress to the perineum.
For example, when women are told to push extremely hard, or have an epidural which can make them unable to feel the urge to push, and so end up pushing really hard but not as effectively. Or an episiotomy could cause the tear to extend into a 3rd degree. Also, forceps or vacuum can also cause severe tears.

These may be avoidable, especially if you know that you have choices.

Are you with the same caregiver now as the last time? How do you feel about your caregiver? Have you discussed your feelings with them and what you can do differently? Do you feel that they are respectful of your needs ?

Have you considered hiring a doula in your area to give you more information, and provide physical and emotional support?

There is a lot to consider and work through. If you do want to discuss more, you can email me.
childbirthcentral@gmail.com

Inspirational Birth Stories

A lot of first time mothers ask me, "What does labor feel like? Where can I find real birth stories?"

Well, here's one great compilation of stories by Sheri L. Menelli :
Journey Into Motherhood - Inspirational Stories of Natural Childbirth.

Sheri Menelli was a childbirth educator. She decided to invite moms who had recently had their babies to classes to describe their positive birth stories. Of course all the expectant moms found that very inspirational, but what she was surprised by was that those groups of clients had much lower rates of interventions than groups of clients who had not heard positive stories by other moms.

This was so striking that she decided to compile some inspirational stories so that moms everywhere can learn from each other's wisdom.

The book is filled with real life experiences that will touch your heart and makes a great gift for pregnant moms anywhere. Here's a quote from the book I like,

"My first sight of my son will never leave my memory. As I
write this, tears are welling up in my eyes. Only at that moment did
I really unconditionally love. I had never known the feeling in my
life. His beauty radiated within my husband’s heart and mine. His
first cry was like a psalm, and his scent was just as heavenly. He settled
quickly to my voice and looked at me with the most loving
stare, and then closed his eyes and rested peacefully. I would labor
and birth a million times over just to see my son for the first time
again. It was incredible! I have entered into a part of my life that
only the hearts of other mothers know, and it is unexplainable."

The book is available in hardcopy at
and now a free e-book is available. Here's a note from Sheri :

"Yes, it is true, I have a very special treat for you. I"m giving away the electronic copy of Journey into Motherhood: Inspirational Stories of Natural Birth.

I have planned to do this for years and so here it is.

I have had so many people ask me why I would give this book away. I have 2 reasons:
1. My dream was to make this book as popular as "What to Expect When You're Expecting" which isn't one of my favorite books as I see it usually get moms into a panic. So really, this is a different kind of What to Expect When You're Birthing because it is 47 real women telling their births stories (48 total stories).

2. I believe the stories in this book are so amazing that anyone reading it would want a physical copy to give to their friends and family who are expecting. I can say that they stories are amazing and not be bragging because I did not write the stories. I only chose them and had my editor clean them up with grammar and punctuation. They changed my birth (I gave birth a few months after the book was finally published). The stories left me empowered. I had the most unexpected of circumstances a very rare set of twins and extremely high risk (Ironic isn't it?) but I had an amazing birth because I felt empowered and I decided to take charge. I know I wouldn't have had that courage if I hadn't been able to draw from the experiences of the women in the book.

I have hundreds of books at my husband's office - I decided to cancel my distributor's contracts. So, if you are moved and would like 1, 5, 10 or even a case. Please feel free to contact me at 760-930-0913. They are only $5 each plus shipping.

They have been popular with several midwives, childbirth educators and doulas who give them out to their clients because they have seen the difference it makes at the birth. Thank you Gerri Ryan, Colleen Salazar, Kara Spencer, Dawn Thompson, Carol Yeh-Garner, Vivian Giles, Jenny West, Sheridan Ripley and Kerry Tuschhoff. (If I forgot you, let me know).

Please feel free to download this book of Journey into Motherhood and pass it on to other birth workers and expectant women.


Love and Light,

Sheri Menelli
Author of Journey into Motherhod
Director of The Birthing Business Institute
www.birthingbusiness.com
760-930-0913

PS - Feel free to post this link on your website or favorite newsgroups, etc. I really do want to get it out to as many people as possible to read the stories.

PSS - If you are on Facebook, please link to me. You can find me by searching for Sheri Menelli. You can also put in the book title and become a fan of the book. "

Hope you Enjoy the book!!!

More information about cesareans - avoiding it, or waiting till labor starts on it's own, and recovering faster

Here's a website that summarizes a few main points about cesarean recovery, as well as trying to avoid an unecessary cesarean, or waiting till labor starts to do the cesarean. Many cesareans are scheduled at 38 weeks gestation.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Childbirth-3495/c-section-recovery.htm

The assumption is that the baby will be fully developed by then, and the doctor won't likely be caught off guard by having to do an operation for a woman who goes into labor before the scheduled time. Evidence shows that not all babies are fully developed by 38 weeks, and that waiting for labor to start before doing the cesarean lowers the risks of the operation to the baby. Even sheduling at 39 weeks has benefits over 38 weeks.

There are many ways parents can get involved in decision making even for high-risk births. Decide what's important to you and your family and discuss that with your caregivers.

Here's the excerpt from the website :

"Expert: Elayne Glantzberg - 12/21/2007

Question
Hi Elayne,
I will be having a c-section in June when I deliver my first child. I wanted to know if you had any recovery information and tips to make this post op easier? Thanks for any help you may offer!

AnswerMy first tip would be to do everything you can to avoid this primary c-section, including getting several second opinions. It is vanishingly rare for a woman to have a complication requiring cesarean delivery that would be detected this early in pregnancy. Even a complete placenta previa can often self-resolve by term.

My second tip would be to wait until you go into labor before having the c-section, if at all possible. Babies born by scheduled c-section, without labor, are 2-4 times more likely to support from respiratory problems requiring a stay in the NICU, and are 3 times more likely to die in the first month.

Going into the surgery, discuss with your doctor the possibility of a more gentle cesarean, one in which the uterus is not completely removed from the body. Sometimes some of the dissection of your internal organs can also be avoided or minimized, particularly if you are not undergoing an emergency c-section. This will help minimize your pain and your risk of internal adhesions later on.

After the surgery, do not be afraid to take your pain medication. Even if you are breastfeeding, your milk will not come in for at least 2 days, and possibly longer due to the shock of the surgery to your body. During this time, your baby will not get any significant drug amounts through your milk. You need to get out of bed and moving around as soon as possible, to speed up healing and prevent blood clots from forming.

Try to get back to eating and drinking normally as soon as possible. Your body needs the nutrition in order to heal itself. Most doctors prefer to wait until you pass gas before allowing you to eat again, since this indicates that your bowels have "woken up" from the shock of the surgery; however, for some women this can take up to 36 hours, and going that long without food is very bad for anybody recovering from surgery, let alone a new mother. Lobby for at least a liquid or soft diet to begin within hours of surgery.

Some kind of support on your incision will help you stay comfortable and mobile as your heal. Remember that this operation will involve slicing through your abdominal muscles, making everything from sitting up to rolling over to sitting down a nightmare. Some women wear a special post-operative belly binder in the hospital and after they return home, and you can discuss this possibility with your doctor. Another option is the new C-Panty, which provides a built-in silicone compression panel to support your incision and help speed healing.

However things go for you, good luck! "

Making cesareans gentler and more mom and baby-friendly

Here's some useful new information for women who will be having cesareans :


From http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2005/dec/03/health.medicineandhealth

" Obstetrician, Professor Nick Fisk has pioneered this groundbreaking approach to surgical delivery called "skin-to-skin caesarean", or "walking the baby out" partly in response to the rising caesarean rate. "And while couples having normal deliveries have been given more and more opportunities to be fully involved in childbirth, very little has been done to see how we could make the experience more meaningful for those having caesareans."

As Fisk started to examine the conventions of surgical delivery, he was struck by how easily they could be challenged. Why, for example, did they need to be done so quickly, when slowing them down would give the parents more chance to participate in their child's delivery and might give the baby a gentler experience of coming into the world? Why, too, was it so important for the parents to be screened off from the mother's abdomen? And was it really essential for the baby to be whisked off for an immediate medical examination, rather than delivered into the arms of his mother?

"What I realised was that caesareans were done a certain way because they've always been done a certain way, but in fact they can be done differently - and in a way that parents love," says Fisk. Other doctors are sometimes shocked when they hear what he is doing. "They say, but surely you have to get the baby out fast so she can get oxygen straight away? And I say, when the baby is being born she's still attached to the umbilical cord and is still getting oxygen from the placenta. Caesarean birth can be gentle, just as vaginal birth can be gentle.

"Obstetricians are too hung up on getting from the point of incision to the birth of the baby as quickly as possible: that's been the benchmark of a skilled surgeon. But I'm challenging that because, from the baby's and from the parents' point of view, it's not very helpful.

" I've never known a baby born by my method to have problems - going straight onto the mother's chest helps regulate breathing."

Smith, who works closely with Fisk, says it's a hit with parents. "They feel more involved, which gives them a better start to family life. Breastfeeding is easier to establish, and you can see how much calmer the baby is."