Question about managing small children and staying sane

Q.: For those of you who ARE or WERE stay at home moms?
I myself am a stay at home mom and I am having some trouble with my little ones. I have twins who are 2 1/2 and a 15 month old as well.
I have never dealt or been around children before having my own. Lately they have been so difficult, and so stressing (mainly the youngest) I feel I don't have enough time to teach them the things they need to know. We don't leave the house often, because its a huge chore. I know they need more socialization, more teaching, more playtime. Everything. I feel like I try soo hard and not alot comes out of it by the end of the day. I am stressed beyond belief trying to keep the house clean, look nice by the time my man comes home and make sure all of the kids needs are met.

My husband is getting in trouble at work because I keep calling him home, and he can't lose his job. I feel guilty that I can't do this alone. I feel like it's time to go back to school and then get a job, but honestly I'm scared. I feel extremely guilty right now, feeling like everything is my fault.

Can anyone give me some advice from the heart. I am very confused, and I just want to do right by my children. Please help.

Answer:

Omigod!
Most mums with one toddler can TOTALLY relate!!! But what I find surprising is that you have THREE toddlers, and you're still wondering why you can't get everything done and you're so stressed out! :>

There's a reason why they say it takes a village to raise a child.
You do need more social support.
Please don't feel guilty. No one in your situation can do it all. It's pretty much impossible.

Don't worry about their socialization, or play or education at this point. No. 1 -they're really young. All that stuff will sort itself out over time. and no. 2 - focus on the basics first.

There is so much social pressure to do so much for kids these days, but less real help in actually doing them.
People who manage well with their kids generally have family or a close community who share in taking care of the kids. Parents, parents-in-law, sisters, aunts, friends, other mums etc.

People who live far away from their families, and don't have close friends nearby, do have to find other resources in order to stay sane.
Connect with other mums, mum's groups, organisations that provide support to parents, get a babysitter etc etc. Let everyone know that you need some help with childcare or housekeeping while your kids are so young.

I cannot stress this enough - the most important person to take care of is YOU. A sane and supported mum will automatically be able to take care of her family well.
It is a myth that a mum and a dad can sufficiently be perfect parents to their kids, especially times 3 little kids. People are so quick to blame parents, and so slow to help.

But you do need to ASK for help, and expect it. Don't feel guilty for receiving it, because you really do need it right now, and when you're kids are older, you will be able to help other mums with young kids.

This period of time when they are so little and their needs are so great is really intense. Things will get easier as they get older, I promise you.
it will be easier a year from now, even more easy 2 years from now and so on.
Wait till then till you start trying to add more activities into their lives.

For now, you can set very low expectations. If your kids are fed and you are fed and have slept enough, and you haven't gone totally berserk all day (a little bit berserk is ok), then you can consider that a successful day.
If you manage to do a little tidying up, or take the kids out or whatever, then that's a bonus! Give yourself a big treat for managing that.

There was a time when my kids were young and I thought I had to be doing all sorts of amazing things with them, and be a happy mum who never lost her temper, and have a beautifully kept house, and cook delicious yet healthy meals....
Meanwhile, I didn't have time to even breathe, I was grumpy and guilty and wound up all the time, fighting with my husband etc etc.
I thought it was just I who was incompetent.

Eventually, I found out that most mums felt the same way, especially those without social a social network where they lived.

Now, my priorities are
1. Do several things throughout the day to feel relaxed and content. eg. Get enough sleep. Sit for a few minutes without the kids and have a drink or something. Tell your kids you are having some "mummy alone time". They'll eventually get used to it. Destress in the bath. Set aside some telephone or email time for yourself to talk to your friends and complain. :> Join a gym that has childcare. Get some adult time.

2. Spending time with your husband minus the kids is important.
Try to get a babysitter (or two), leave the mess in the house and go have some fun. Aim to do that once a week. More realistically, if you manage once a month, that's great! Appreciate yourselves and each other for the amazing job you are doing of raising 3 human beings.

3. Find a system of discipline that works for you and your kids. Well-behaved kids are easier to look after. You do not need to entertain your kids. The good thing about having three is that they will entertain themselves if left to their own devices. Especially as they get older.

4. As for the house, focus on the most important things and ignore everything else for the next couple of years. The kitchen is pretty important. Having clean laundry too.
Get big storage bins and throw everything in to get it out of sight - bins for unfolded laundry , toys, the mess in your living room when people are coming over etc etc.
Declutter and throw away or give away what you don't need or use.
Have a talk with your husband. Tell him how you feel about the housework. Let him know that you appreciate anything he does to help. If you can afford it, consider getting housecleaning services. Discuss lowering your standards of tidiness for the next one to two years.

Above all, whatever you do with your kids, it needs to work for you.
You and your husband need to be the centre of your family not your kids. Because if you're stressed out you can't take care of your kids as well as when you feel centred and in control.