Women's Identities once they become mothers

This is Not How I Thought It Would Be:Remodeling Motherhood to Get the Lives We Want Today by Kristin Maschka.
http://www.remodelingmotherhood.com/

A must read for all parents.

"After ten years of financial independence, Kate arrived and overnight I became completely financially dependent
on David. On the surface, nothing about our marriage had changed, but below the surface everything had
changed. Before Kate, we had been two independent, self-sufficient people choosing to be together. During that
time I knew, somewhere in the back of my head, that I could walk away and stand on my own two feet if I had to
do it. Once Kate arrived, I felt a nagging anxiety in my stomach. Walking away wasn’t an option anymore. I
couldn’t imagine putting Kate through that and I had no paycheck. I did my best to set aside my worry because I
felt guilty and embarrassed the thoughts even crossed my mind.
Then when Kate was a few months old, I read Ann Crittenden’s book The Price of Motherhood. … the book’s
chapter about what happens to mothers in a divorce shook me to the core and turned a nagging worry into fullfledged
panic. I fumbled around trying to talk to David and suggested, “Maybe, um, I don’t know, I was thinking
perhaps we could consider a post-nuptial agreement?” He hit the roof. To him, I was implying that he was going
to walk out and that I was planning for a divorce. I backed off, fast. But I was still scared, and I didn’t really know
why, or what to do about it, or how to talk about it. I hadn’t dreamed money and who made it could create this
kind of turmoil in our marriage. I hadn’t dreamed I’d ever be financially dependent on anyone. Not having my
own income and, honestly, not having the power that goes with it, made me fearful. Knowing I was fearful made
David angry. Fear and anger, not good emotions to insert into a marriage of two sleep-deprived people.
I’m not the only mother who finds that “money and who makes it” messes with a marriage. In hushed tones in a
kitchen at a party, a friend admitted that one of the reasons she kept working for pay when her son was born was
that she didn’t want to hand all the power over to her husband." – Remodeling Motherhood, Chapter 10, p 223-
224.



The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women
By Susan Douglas, Meredith Michaels

Hilarious article about Parenting

I 1st read this article before I had kids, and just didn't find it very funny. I read it again recently and laughed till I cried. I'm sure all you parents out there will know what I mean...

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 Preparation


Women : To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-
1. go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. go to the supermarket. Arrange to have y our salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 Knowledge
1. Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
2. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 Going For a Walk

1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?


Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

Question about managing small children and staying sane

Q.: For those of you who ARE or WERE stay at home moms?
I myself am a stay at home mom and I am having some trouble with my little ones. I have twins who are 2 1/2 and a 15 month old as well.
I have never dealt or been around children before having my own. Lately they have been so difficult, and so stressing (mainly the youngest) I feel I don't have enough time to teach them the things they need to know. We don't leave the house often, because its a huge chore. I know they need more socialization, more teaching, more playtime. Everything. I feel like I try soo hard and not alot comes out of it by the end of the day. I am stressed beyond belief trying to keep the house clean, look nice by the time my man comes home and make sure all of the kids needs are met.

My husband is getting in trouble at work because I keep calling him home, and he can't lose his job. I feel guilty that I can't do this alone. I feel like it's time to go back to school and then get a job, but honestly I'm scared. I feel extremely guilty right now, feeling like everything is my fault.

Can anyone give me some advice from the heart. I am very confused, and I just want to do right by my children. Please help.

Answer:

Omigod!
Most mums with one toddler can TOTALLY relate!!! But what I find surprising is that you have THREE toddlers, and you're still wondering why you can't get everything done and you're so stressed out! :>

There's a reason why they say it takes a village to raise a child.
You do need more social support.
Please don't feel guilty. No one in your situation can do it all. It's pretty much impossible.

Don't worry about their socialization, or play or education at this point. No. 1 -they're really young. All that stuff will sort itself out over time. and no. 2 - focus on the basics first.

There is so much social pressure to do so much for kids these days, but less real help in actually doing them.
People who manage well with their kids generally have family or a close community who share in taking care of the kids. Parents, parents-in-law, sisters, aunts, friends, other mums etc.

People who live far away from their families, and don't have close friends nearby, do have to find other resources in order to stay sane.
Connect with other mums, mum's groups, organisations that provide support to parents, get a babysitter etc etc. Let everyone know that you need some help with childcare or housekeeping while your kids are so young.

I cannot stress this enough - the most important person to take care of is YOU. A sane and supported mum will automatically be able to take care of her family well.
It is a myth that a mum and a dad can sufficiently be perfect parents to their kids, especially times 3 little kids. People are so quick to blame parents, and so slow to help.

But you do need to ASK for help, and expect it. Don't feel guilty for receiving it, because you really do need it right now, and when you're kids are older, you will be able to help other mums with young kids.

This period of time when they are so little and their needs are so great is really intense. Things will get easier as they get older, I promise you.
it will be easier a year from now, even more easy 2 years from now and so on.
Wait till then till you start trying to add more activities into their lives.

For now, you can set very low expectations. If your kids are fed and you are fed and have slept enough, and you haven't gone totally berserk all day (a little bit berserk is ok), then you can consider that a successful day.
If you manage to do a little tidying up, or take the kids out or whatever, then that's a bonus! Give yourself a big treat for managing that.

There was a time when my kids were young and I thought I had to be doing all sorts of amazing things with them, and be a happy mum who never lost her temper, and have a beautifully kept house, and cook delicious yet healthy meals....
Meanwhile, I didn't have time to even breathe, I was grumpy and guilty and wound up all the time, fighting with my husband etc etc.
I thought it was just I who was incompetent.

Eventually, I found out that most mums felt the same way, especially those without social a social network where they lived.

Now, my priorities are
1. Do several things throughout the day to feel relaxed and content. eg. Get enough sleep. Sit for a few minutes without the kids and have a drink or something. Tell your kids you are having some "mummy alone time". They'll eventually get used to it. Destress in the bath. Set aside some telephone or email time for yourself to talk to your friends and complain. :> Join a gym that has childcare. Get some adult time.

2. Spending time with your husband minus the kids is important.
Try to get a babysitter (or two), leave the mess in the house and go have some fun. Aim to do that once a week. More realistically, if you manage once a month, that's great! Appreciate yourselves and each other for the amazing job you are doing of raising 3 human beings.

3. Find a system of discipline that works for you and your kids. Well-behaved kids are easier to look after. You do not need to entertain your kids. The good thing about having three is that they will entertain themselves if left to their own devices. Especially as they get older.

4. As for the house, focus on the most important things and ignore everything else for the next couple of years. The kitchen is pretty important. Having clean laundry too.
Get big storage bins and throw everything in to get it out of sight - bins for unfolded laundry , toys, the mess in your living room when people are coming over etc etc.
Declutter and throw away or give away what you don't need or use.
Have a talk with your husband. Tell him how you feel about the housework. Let him know that you appreciate anything he does to help. If you can afford it, consider getting housecleaning services. Discuss lowering your standards of tidiness for the next one to two years.

Above all, whatever you do with your kids, it needs to work for you.
You and your husband need to be the centre of your family not your kids. Because if you're stressed out you can't take care of your kids as well as when you feel centred and in control.

Birth Quotes

Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers ~ strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength. Barbara Katz Rothman


The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." Rajneesh

The genius of her body is designed to give birth with ease and grace. In our soft warm hands, we are holding the keys to the future. Elena Tonetti- Vladimirova

It seems that many health professionals involved in antenatal care have not realized that one of their role should be to protect the emotional state of pregnant women. Michel Odent, MD

We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful. It's that women are strong. Laura Stavoe Harm

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

Before you were conceived, I wanted you
Before you were born, I loved you
Before you were here an hour,
I would die for you
This is the miracle of love. Maureen Hawkins

Childbirth classes neglect to teach one critical skill: How to breathe, count, and swear all at the same time. Linda Filterman

Before I was married I had six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories. John Wilmot, earl of Rochester

They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth. They can...if you hit them in the goolies with a cricketbat for fourteen hours. Jo Brand

Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting - Welcome Message

Hi,

Welcome to my new blog devoted to moms, dads, families and moms and dads-to-be worldwide!
Let's share our common threads and interesting differences in this crazy journey from pregnancy to parenting and beyond.

Before having kids of my own, I was not the type to swoon over babies, and could never imagine myself being pregnant or looking after a newborn. But after the birth of my first child, I was hooked. The birth journey was such a profound experience in my life - revealing to me the depths of my soul that I had never before seen. I wanted to talk to everyone I met about this strange and magical feeling I had experienced, but could not understand why no one else seemed to care. Why wasn't birth headline news everyday?

And then there was the newborn. Evey newborn a magical creature in and of itself. At first glance, they may seem to be helpless, unmoving blobs. But spend a few moments queitly in their presence and you may notice the peaceful serenity that surrounds them. I found myself, day in and day out, staring at sleeping newborns, wondering at their exquisite beauty. It didn't matter how exhausting and chaotic looking after them was while they were awake, and believe me, it was exhausting and chaotic. Once they fell asleep, the magic was evident. Never again will we be able to sleep with such complete and perfect peace as we do when we are babies.

It's been many years since life first initiated me into life's mysteries, but I still have infinitely more to learn. I know that mothers and fathers everywhere have a world of knowledge in their own stories and journeys. We can learn so much from each other. I feel so priviledged to be a mother, and to be admitted into the world of mothers. Once when I was working as a crisis worker, there were clients from Russia, Iran, China, Native people and so on. As soon as they found out I was pregnant, all the women who were mothers instantly came to offer advice and tell their stories. I felt so touched that this common experience could connect us across cultures and languages. And yet every birth is so different, every family so different, every story so different - each one magical in its own way.

I know parents usually don't get enough credit or support for the unpaid work that they do. But usually get all the criticism. :>
And they're own knowledge and experience is usually not listened to, next to the voices of "the experts".

I want this blog to be a place for moms and dads to share their wisdom and respect.
I am looking forward to receiving your stories of pregnacy, birth and parenting. What is important to you? What have you learnt? What would you wish if you could do it over? Tell us the joyful, the funny, the downright crazy, the painful, the sad, the angry, the wonderous, and the magical stories.

I hope you savour every moment of the journey!

With Love,

Kaurina