Hilarious article about Parenting

I 1st read this article before I had kids, and just didn't find it very funny. I read it again recently and laughed till I cried. I'm sure all you parents out there will know what I mean...

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 Preparation


Women : To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-
1. go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. go to the supermarket. Arrange to have y our salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 Knowledge
1. Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
2. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 Going For a Walk

1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?


Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

Inspirational Birth Stories

A lot of first time mothers ask me, "What does labor feel like? Where can I find real birth stories?"

Well, here's one great compilation of stories by Sheri L. Menelli :
Journey Into Motherhood - Inspirational Stories of Natural Childbirth.

Sheri Menelli was a childbirth educator. She decided to invite moms who had recently had their babies to classes to describe their positive birth stories. Of course all the expectant moms found that very inspirational, but what she was surprised by was that those groups of clients had much lower rates of interventions than groups of clients who had not heard positive stories by other moms.

This was so striking that she decided to compile some inspirational stories so that moms everywhere can learn from each other's wisdom.

The book is filled with real life experiences that will touch your heart and makes a great gift for pregnant moms anywhere. Here's a quote from the book I like,

"My first sight of my son will never leave my memory. As I
write this, tears are welling up in my eyes. Only at that moment did
I really unconditionally love. I had never known the feeling in my
life. His beauty radiated within my husband’s heart and mine. His
first cry was like a psalm, and his scent was just as heavenly. He settled
quickly to my voice and looked at me with the most loving
stare, and then closed his eyes and rested peacefully. I would labor
and birth a million times over just to see my son for the first time
again. It was incredible! I have entered into a part of my life that
only the hearts of other mothers know, and it is unexplainable."

The book is available in hardcopy at
and now a free e-book is available. Here's a note from Sheri :

"Yes, it is true, I have a very special treat for you. I"m giving away the electronic copy of Journey into Motherhood: Inspirational Stories of Natural Birth.

I have planned to do this for years and so here it is.

I have had so many people ask me why I would give this book away. I have 2 reasons:
1. My dream was to make this book as popular as "What to Expect When You're Expecting" which isn't one of my favorite books as I see it usually get moms into a panic. So really, this is a different kind of What to Expect When You're Birthing because it is 47 real women telling their births stories (48 total stories).

2. I believe the stories in this book are so amazing that anyone reading it would want a physical copy to give to their friends and family who are expecting. I can say that they stories are amazing and not be bragging because I did not write the stories. I only chose them and had my editor clean them up with grammar and punctuation. They changed my birth (I gave birth a few months after the book was finally published). The stories left me empowered. I had the most unexpected of circumstances a very rare set of twins and extremely high risk (Ironic isn't it?) but I had an amazing birth because I felt empowered and I decided to take charge. I know I wouldn't have had that courage if I hadn't been able to draw from the experiences of the women in the book.

I have hundreds of books at my husband's office - I decided to cancel my distributor's contracts. So, if you are moved and would like 1, 5, 10 or even a case. Please feel free to contact me at 760-930-0913. They are only $5 each plus shipping.

They have been popular with several midwives, childbirth educators and doulas who give them out to their clients because they have seen the difference it makes at the birth. Thank you Gerri Ryan, Colleen Salazar, Kara Spencer, Dawn Thompson, Carol Yeh-Garner, Vivian Giles, Jenny West, Sheridan Ripley and Kerry Tuschhoff. (If I forgot you, let me know).

Please feel free to download this book of Journey into Motherhood and pass it on to other birth workers and expectant women.


Love and Light,

Sheri Menelli
Author of Journey into Motherhod
Director of The Birthing Business Institute
www.birthingbusiness.com
760-930-0913

PS - Feel free to post this link on your website or favorite newsgroups, etc. I really do want to get it out to as many people as possible to read the stories.

PSS - If you are on Facebook, please link to me. You can find me by searching for Sheri Menelli. You can also put in the book title and become a fan of the book. "

Hope you Enjoy the book!!!